Mood 4
Day 9
Dear Blog,
Some days are full of dark or sadder thoughts than normal. These can only be cured through escaping into a fictional world. Taking me away from the real world.
Until tomorrow,
amberroseleigh
blog
“60 DAYS: In the Life of a Teenager with Bipolar” #8 Importance of Food
Mood: 6
Day:8
Dear Blog,
This writing everyday is hard. I’ve found over time I’ve gained a habit of not sticking things.
Food is one of the most important things to a healthy mind. I’ve learned slowly that my moods co-related to what i’m eating. Because of my meds i’m not meant to drink caffiene. Sadly, i also happen to have a caffeine addiction. I get migrains, nausea, fatigue, and more whenever I start coming off the stuff but I know it’s the best thing. Having a healthy mind also comings with the responsibility of having healthy mood. So i’m trying this new craze of healthy smoothies. Hasn’t worked well so far though…
Until tomorrow,
amberroseleigh
“60 DAYS: In the Life of a Teenager with Bipolar” #6/7 Dreams
Day 6/7
Mood: 7
Dear Blog,
My mood has been a little higher today than the average lately which is always a good feeling. I missed yesterdays blog as sleep took over me. Being around people drains me physically and mentally. I’m my most mentally active alone. I don’t know why this is. I guess it’s due to my introverted nature. Even at a young age people and interactions with them required effort and extreme effort. I’ve never been a people person and have always felt disconnected. I envy those who are the opposite.
Dreams take over my mind when the sleeping pills finally force it into a whole other world. Often dreams can be horrific to me. Many have filled my mind with murder and other obscene images. I notice these happen when i’m in a darker mindset and each time they scare me with death of loved ones being a reoccurring thing. Having such detailed imagery in my head at night, a time where i’m my most anxious, is terrible for me. The vivid nature pulls these dreams into life like form that plays on my mind for days afterward. I’m curious to know whether this is common among other bipolar sufferers or anxiety sufferers.
I’ve been doing many readings around the pains, discomforts and other physical health problems i’ve been experiencing lately. It seems as though they could be related to my anxiety.
It’s unusual how mental illness can effect you physically as well. I think that’s what people forget.
Until tomorrow,
amberroseleigh
“60 DAYS: In the life of a Teenager with Bipolar” Day 5: The Battle of Sleep
Day 5
Mood 6
Dear Blog,
I lay awake. My mind races. Thoughts speeding fast like a race track. My heart beats. Beats. Beats. Faster. Faster. My mind scurries. I try to rest but my body goes at a million miles an hour. My limbs are sore. My mind is not. I lay, body paralyzed mind fully active.
There are many nights in my life. Either paralyzed from fear or classic insomnia.
The feeling is often frustrating. I’ve watched countless DVDs over and over again that have to real significance to me other than to pass the time.
The battle for control over the mind is the worst. You have your own mind fighting against itself trying to find stability and salvation. In my mental illness this is the greatest struggle. Battling your own mind.
Until tomorrow,
amberroseleigh
“60 DAYS: In the Life of a Teenager with Bipolar” #4 The strange familiarity with death
Day 4
Mood 5-3
Death is something we all experience in a variety of different ways. Today I experienced death in a loss. This lead my mind to trail off in an array of thoughts surrounding the topic. The person who passed away this morning was someone who through out my life reflected positive thoughts. In thinking of this images ran through my mind reflecting the summer visits where each time he would remember my favorite fruit, strawberrys. Strawberries through out my life have been connected to this memory. A positive connection to summer that I usually struggle with. Alongside loss during death always comes these memories and appreciation for people. However, another experience with death is quite the opposite. Throughout my life I’ve always been quite fascinated with death and have had many depressive episodes that lead me to be suicidal. These experiences and associations with the idea of death have a ever lasting effect on myself. There were times where death consumed my mind. Taking over many hours of thought. Through my anxiety and depression this came relatively frequently. I struggle to explain this relationship because I don’t quite know why. I don’t know why I had this fascination with the workings of death and at some points I had no clue in reality why I wanted to end my own life. Suicide for those who have those thoughts can be a very intimate thought process in it’s contemplation. In a way you don’t experience a sense of lose of losing anything. Nor do positive memories of yourself and your life. It’s quite the opposite to the experience of losing one to death. I feel a fascination with death is something people who have deep depressive episodes may have in common. I feel there’s more to it in my mind hidden somewhere. There’s a lot buried deep down. We all have our demons. It’s finding them that’s the problem.
Until tomorrow,
amberroseleigh
“60 DAYS: In the Life of a Teenager with Bipolar” #3: Exhausted
Day 3
Mood: 4
Dear Blog,
I’m forcing myself to do this today. I’m exhausted. I’m always f**king exhausted. Sometimes I feel like my brain just won’t stop. When it does this my heart speeds up and I begin to freak out. Sometimes this lasts for hours or all day and I end up exhausted. I end up feeling like I can’t keep my body moving despite my head running at full speed.
I feel this will be hard for me to push myself each day to write. I just want to finish something and feel that feeling of being accomplished.
I have a fear of doing new things. I create fears before I have a reason to. I remember being 8 and still not able to ride a bike with out training wheels. I was soon to learn fear hinders success. I learnt this when my dad pretended to hold the back of the two wheeled bike as I rode off. Minutes in I turned around and saw him standing in the distance, his hands free of the bike. Now, I look back at this moment and see an example of how, even at a young age, I let fears of all sizes control me. Stump me. Hinder me. Rip me of my ability to see clearly and to try new things. Now that I can see this. I can see that i need to free myself from it’s control. And I will.
Until tomorrow,
amberroseleigh
“60 DAYS: In the Life of a Teenager with Bipolar” #1 Introductions
If you’re a current follower of this blog you may already know the basics about me. I am Amber. I’m 18 and I have mental illness. In order for me to learn to deal with certain aspects of my mental illness at such a young age, whilst still raising a form of awareness, I decided to start a project. In this project I will, for 60 consecutive days, write honest and open insights into my day to day life. Some days are going to be wonderful and some will be horrible. In each day I will start with a mood number indicating my average mood for that day. 0 being low and 10 being the highest. My goal from this aside from personal goals is that people will gain an understanding surrounding the mental illness and what it’s like to live with mental illness. I myself have diagnosed Bipolar, ADHD and Anxiety. I also have a history of self harm. I’m going to be honest, this experience will be hard for me and worries me that I’m going to be honest online to strangers and to myself about what goes on in my head so here goes…
New Zealand General Election 2014 : Labour’s Loss of Faith
As most of you should know yesterday was election day. Despite essentially the most unusual, dirtiest and weirdest campaign in New Zealand the results become almost a reflection of polls months before all the scandal. National won 61 seats, Labour couldn’t even hit 25% of the party votes, Greens hoped and failed to meet their goal of 15% and overall the results of the election didn’t change much from the current situation. The biggest part of the evening however was the change in the Maori Electorate Te Tai Tokerau. Hone Harawira lead a close race for most of the night but however was beaten by Labour’s Kelvin Davis. Harawira therefore lost his seat and his party essentially did not make it into the seats of parliament. However, the most interesting part of the night went to the strange scatter of party votes labour electorate voters sent out.
Early on in the night it was easily seen that labour would not make it’s way out out of the 20s in percent of the party vote. However, a trend started to occur within labour electorates. They simply were not turning out party votes in favour of Labour. This occured frequently through out many electorates. Labour was just not pulling out party votes in their own electorates. I’ve seen and read a vast amount of different opinions around this, some saying it was down to leadership and the lack of from David Cunliffe. I don’t believe this is entirely so. David Cunliffe still held his electorate. Also what has to be taken into consideration is that Cunliffe has only been leading for around a year, he’s still new. However that is also part of the issue, Labour isn’t a solid stable party this election. David Cunliffe did do the best with what he had and campaign better than expected in this election. As the votes say though is that they still held a strong loss in faith of Labour as a party not simply David Cunliffe as a leader. This was not a leader problem but more so a party problem. Labour voters were happy to vote for an MP they know and they trust but they were not happy to vote for a party they still felt uneasy with and who holds a relatively new leader. Many of Labour voters then typically went for Greens or National. National has constantly appeared strong and a collective who overall supports one another despite all the drama which could be the factor as to why these voters moved to National.
In total, the voting trend around Labour was incredibly strange but has clearly highlighted to the party that they are doing something incredibly wrong. After this election the party will now have to sit down and find a way to reinvent themselves, come together as a collective strong party and win back their voters.
Yes Woman!
“Hey do you want to come to this get together at my place?”
“No.”
“What about a movie?”
“No.”
“How about-“
“No”
No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No seems to have, over time, become my all time favorite word. Sometimes I even say no to things I’m meant to say yes to. Saying the word “no” is troubling and a terrible habit to get yourself into. The word itself can be inherently negative and can even place your mind and body in a state of negativity. This can be incredibly unhealthy. So often I find myself missing out on something I could enjoy simple because I’ve said “no”. Over the past week or so I’ve been trying to come out and start saying yes to things and I can tell you that each time I’ve said yes I’ve returned home feeling good about myself. When you’re a frequent “no-er” it becomes second nature to say no. However you need to reach deep within yourself to say yes every now and again. It makes you feel more mentally clear, awake, productive and overall happier. Even if it’s tiny steps at a time. As someone that deals with anxiety saying no is like a safe guard to me. Ensuring that nothing bad can happen although that often means nothing good or bad happening at all.
So, if you’re a frequent “no-er” then I encourage you to take the step to say yes! Even if it’s something small. Just do it and I can guarantee you’ll feel better with each unexpected yes you say.
If you are a frequent “no-er” comment below and let me know what’s made you into a frequent “no-er” or if you’ve stepped out and said yes lately!
x Amber Rose Leigh
Battle of the Bowls: A Feline Story
Part 1: The Alliance
It’s nearly 6:00pm on a rainy winters evening and short haired Salem trod reluctantly across his lawn. He hated home. Well, scratch that, He hates certain specimens that live within the home. In particular, his younger brother, Siva. Siva arrived a mere 2 days after Christmas (also Salem’s 7th Birthday) and at that very moment he knew the christmas cheer was over. Each day Siva got more and more favoritism from the family until Salem was barely even in the picture. Sure. Salem also had 2 older sisters but he was quite sure that neither Button nor Roberta had ever been in the same position he was. Salem sat on the back step, locked out, again. He waited and waited for someone to let him in but no one came. So he just waited. Remembering what it was like before Siva arrived, 7 and a half years ago now. He was sure that back then he’d have been let in almost immediately at the sign of his arrival. Not now. Not with him there. Salem stared through the window. There he was. In front of the fire. Warm. Salem tapped on the window hoping to get the notice of anyone inside but no one noticed. Oh what it feels like to be left out in the cold, quite literally, while your spoilt sibling laps up all the benefits. Salem huffed and saw his drenched older sisters sprint across the wet lawn. Roberta sat next to him while bonkers button ran to shade under an adjacent door. Robert had long dark hair that she often grew out in winter. The color of her hair often complement the green of her eyes. Roberta and Salem had never really been the best of friends but he knew they were on the same page when it came to the demon that resided in their household. In fact the pair were in secret alliance that no one in the family knew about. This alliance was based on one true fact that they both agreed on. The blond needs to go. It was always trivial to the siblings how he maintained his luscious locks. The alliance stared into the window and watched as the family waited on his every need.
“He has to go,” snarled Roberta
“Did you eat last night?” Salem asked.
Roberta scoffed,”barely, the fat bugger ate mostly from my bowl, poor Bonkers has eaten barely anything other than dries in weeks.”
“You, know, I think this is the worst it’s been since the arrival,” Salem noted as one of the family members finally took notice of them out in the cold.
“We have to meet up tonight, 3am sharp, usual place,” Roberta hurried as the door finally opened allowing the cold wet siblings inside. They knew they had to do something fast before it got any worse. Could it get any worse? Salem had a feeling that something was going to make everything more horrible than they could ever imagine.
Hey here’s part one of a series that I’ve thought up. Leave comments on what you think.
Part 2 coming soon…
Some Kind Of Unique Freedom 