Dear Blog, let me start off my saying in no way am I against Bernie Sanders as a candidate nor am I a republican supporter. I’m not even American. However, as a person who hopes to see the stigma of people with mental illness erased. This disturbs me.
Productivity comes in waves of ups and down for me. Generally speaking however, I struggle to remain focus even with help from my good friend Ritalin. This has particularly gotten worse as more and more of my Uni coursework has moved online.
Dear blog, it’s been a very long time. I clearly failed at attempting a 60 day blog. The last year has mostly been a train wreck. A series of lows and mediums. Obviously there’s highlights but things could have been better. It’s been yet another year of trying to figure my brain out. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it completely but I know I want to help others make sense of their brains too. It’s hard when people think you’ve got it all figured out. That you’re a “role model” when they have no real idea of what’s behind the facade. There’s a lot of effort put into pretending to be okay and a shit load more in actually being okay. I want to try use this blog how I originally intended.
First, to help myself work through the complicated mess that is my brain.
Second, to help others find ways to do the same thing.
Third, to help those who don’t understand take a look at what mental illness looks like. What mental illness looks like really.
Because mental illness isn’t what we see on TV. It’s not being “cured” after a couple meds and a visit to a psychologist. It’s not always being so stereotypically insane that you should be locked up in Arkham Asylum before you commit some atrocious crime. And most of all, mental illness does not look the same on everybody.
Although I’ll use this blog primarily for that purpose. I want an outlet. I want to express my interests and what might not relate to mental illness.
I want to share lifestyle experiences that might help others.
I hope those who currently follow me won’t leave and join me as I attempt (again) to share my experiences with the world.
Christmas Mood: 5
New Years Mood: 7
There is a reason for the extra moods. To show differing moods over the holiday season. Though they’re more of an average for each day.
It’s been sometime since I wrote last. For varying reasons I can’t seem to name.
I’m not sure if many others can relate to this but for me the holiday season can be quite a struggle. As larger groups of people gather I tend to drift. Christmas day can sometimes be challenging because of groups of people being around you. It’s never that I don’t want to socialize or be around people it’s simply that my brain finds it incredibly overwhelming. So a tip i’ve found for anyone who does feel this but wants to enjoy holidays and being around people. It’s simple. Take breaks. If you find a part of your social anxiety could be linked to feeling any kind of overwhelment. Take breaks. By that I mean, leave the area and find somewhere, whether it be the bathroom or outside, to be alone and not complete overwhelm yourself to the point of reaching a panic attack. This works for me because I feel like I get overwhelmed often when i’m in anxiety situations and the more i get overwhelmed the more likely I am to trigger anxiety attacks or something of the sort. So I do this whenever I feel necessary.
New year parties are an image often associated to chaos in my head. Unlike many 18 year olds in New Zealand I did not go out this year which is why I feel New Years was good for me. The key thing is to not pressure yourself into doing anything you don’t want to or don’t feel ready for. As someone who’s not a heavy drinker being surrounded by drunk people just because it’s what you “should” be doing on New Years will just lead to a very uncomfortable evening. However you have to allow yourself to take challenges.
Healthy eating and good exercise (as I’m sure many of you have been told before) is vital for those with mental health. So often I find myself in ruts where I eat nothing good and it continues the cycle of a bad mind. Bad food = Bad mind. For anxiety in particular there are many natural things that have been proven to help anxiety sufferers. Some of which I have enjoyed since childhood and now know why. One of those is Lavender.
As a child I loved Lavender. Which is always strange to me because I absolutely hate smelling things. Then a few nights ago I discovered that Lavender has been found to help with anxiety through its aromas and through German testing of a “lavender pill.” Since discovering this and many recipes, that are simple and easy to start a healthy lifestyle, I have decided to potentially starting a series on here where I share these discoveries.
In 2015, I hope to share a lot with you and learn more and heal more. This year is all about healing and moving forward. Take every opportunity as it comes and don’t let your demons bring you down.
Todays mood really is kind of all over the place. I’m mainly concerned that we’re going to have power cuts. Why you may ask? Well for a range of reasons. I live in New Zealand where at this point in the year we’re supposed to be in the middle of summer. However the joyful weather of this country doesn’t seem to agree. It has been pouring down with rain with huge winds and thunder and possibly lightening. Now I love winter, and generally speaking hate summer. Waking up to extremely loud thunder when you’re an on edge person like me isn’t ideal. This set a relative part of the mood up for the day of course. Back to the power cuts, usually in this kind of weather power cuts occur and because we’re not in a high priority area take forever to get back up. I wouldn’t mind power cuts if they occurred during the day i’d be fine. I could read all day and not have an issue. It’s at night I have a problem.
In a month I’ll be 19 and my fear of the dark will still consume me more so than it did when I was 5. I am absolutely terrified of the dark and instead of it getting better as I age it seems to get worse. At nearly 19 I still sleep with the light on almost every night. In fact it’s rare for me to sleep with it off. I used to have a night light but was scared the cord would catch a light (because it’s rather tatty) and frankly wasn’t bright enough for me.
The dark really does terrify me above all else. I don’t know why this problem has gotten worse or where the fear is rooted. But, if I had to guess I’d think it could potentially link to my problems of control.
The dark is a pit of nothing and I don’t know what’s in it let alone control what it is. When I’m surrounded by darkness I’m at my most anxious and I can’t control it because my mind is completely focused on the fear of the dark.
If anyone else has the same fear or has any suggestions feel free to comment.
I know that the problem gets worse in more anxious or depressive stages of my mood. I’m just stuck at how to overcome such a long term and deep fear.
Mood: 2 (overall since last blog)
It’s been awhile since I last wrote here. It’s that habit of not finishing things. But as I promised myself and this blog to be open and honest in the name of progress and awareness I felt it important to write this blog.
Depressive thoughts have never really come to a halt for me. Some people once they feel they’re stable the thoughts stop. The last week or so has been hard for me emotionally. My head feels like this deep dark hole that I randomly find myself sinking into this whole struggling to get out. I fall into pits of hating myself. I hate the lack of success I have. I hate my moods. My appearance. My personality. I cry and cry wanting to disappear. The repeated thoughts of death occur. Alongside thoughts related to selfharm. I hide it. I try not to show it because when you’re mind gets like this it’s like you don’t want to set off alarms. You want everyone to be thinking that you’re find and sometimes you’re not but sometimes you are.
I feel I crave normality, importantly a normal mind. I want to know what it feels like not to have to control your thoughts through medication. I want to know what it’s like to have the ability to do anything even the simple things like going to a cash register without over thinking the situation and feeling anxious.
There’s so many things.
I just want a normal mind.
Disengagement comes in spurts after spurts of insane concentration around school or other projects. With depressive phases come disengagement and lack of interest or drive to do things i’m passionate about or are important in life. Some people have a balance of the two. Bipolar that’s not handled or even when it is can disrupt this balance. As with this project i’ve struggled to maintain a commitment. Whenever i finish something i feel this insane amount of accomplishment because sometimes no matter how hard you try things can get it in the way of success. But it’s the perseverance and determination to battle for that success that counts. My lesson for the past week or so has been that no matter what no matter the circumstances what it means to be happy and successful is determined by your ability to overcome hurdles in dark times and high times.