“60 DAYS: In the Life of a Teenager with Bipolar” #4 The strange familiarity with death

Day 4
Mood 5-3

Death is something we all experience in a variety of different ways. Today I experienced death in a loss. This lead my mind to trail off in an array of thoughts surrounding the topic. The person who passed away this morning was someone who through out my life reflected positive thoughts. In thinking of this images ran through my mind reflecting the summer visits where each time he would remember my favorite fruit, strawberrys. Strawberries through out my life have been connected to this memory. A positive connection to summer that I usually struggle with. Alongside loss during death always comes these memories and appreciation for people. However, another experience with death is quite the opposite. Throughout my life I’ve always been quite fascinated with death and have had many depressive episodes that lead me to be suicidal. These experiences and associations with the idea of death have a ever lasting effect on myself. There were times where death consumed my mind. Taking over many hours of thought. Through my anxiety and depression this came relatively frequently. I struggle to explain this relationship because I don’t quite know why. I don’t know why I had this fascination with the workings of death and at some points I had no clue in reality why I wanted to end my own life. Suicide for those who have those thoughts can be a very intimate thought process in it’s contemplation. In a way you don’t experience a sense of lose of losing anything. Nor do positive memories of yourself and your life. It’s quite the opposite to the experience of losing one to death. I feel a fascination with death is something people who have deep depressive episodes may have in common. I feel there’s more to it in my mind hidden somewhere. There’s a lot buried deep down. We all have our demons. It’s finding them that’s the problem.
Until tomorrow,
amberroseleigh

“60 DAYS: In the Life of a Teenager with Bipolar” #2 Fear of People

Day 2
Mood: 4

Dear Blog,

Sometimes I travel past people sitting happily in a restaurant or a cafe of some sort and I wonder how they do that. In most if not all public situations I feel very nervous. I don’t know why and I don’t understand where this problem came from. Public situations particularly restaurant ones have always made me nervous. So when I drive or walk past these places I often wonder what it’s like to be able to freely interact with others without a care in the world or without having to psyche yourself out first. This is a problem I’ve always dealt with and is something that is worse on bad days. Dealing with it can be a struggle because this unreasonable fear of people happens to control the important processes of life and growing up. I acknowledge I’m not the only person like this and despite many days of wanting to hide away from all human civilization I have to find ways around this problem. In an earlier blog I talked about saying yes and encouraging yourself to start living positively. That is the main way for me to fight this. I have to push myself out from this dark cave I hide in and interact and be aware I will not perish from the face of the earth if I do so. I don’t know where this fear has come from or why I allow it to rule my life. However I do believe it’s linked to my feeling of feeling disconnected and un-relatable to people. A goal of mine is to be more confident in interactions with people and to be able to regain the sociability I had more of when I was younger. In doing that however I have to push myself and not allow myself to succumb to the notions of irrationality in my mind. That’s the true task.

Until tomorrow,
amberroseleigh

Yes Woman!

“Hey do you want to come to this get together at my place?”
“No.”
“What about a movie?”
“No.”
“How about-“
“No”

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No seems to have, over time, become my all time favorite word. Sometimes I even say no to things I’m meant to say yes to. Saying the word “no” is troubling and a terrible habit to get yourself into. The word itself can be inherently negative and can even place your mind and body in a state of negativity. This can be incredibly unhealthy. So often I find myself missing out on something I could enjoy simple because I’ve said “no”. Over the past week or so I’ve been trying to come out and start saying yes to things and I can tell you that each time I’ve said yes I’ve returned home feeling good about myself. When you’re a frequent “no-er” it becomes second nature to say no. However you need to reach deep within yourself to say yes every now and again. It makes you feel more mentally clear, awake, productive and overall happier. Even if it’s tiny steps at a time. As someone that deals with anxiety saying no is like a safe guard to me. Ensuring that nothing bad can happen although that often means nothing good or bad happening at all.
So, if you’re a frequent “no-er” then I encourage you to take the step to say yes! Even if it’s something small. Just do it and I can guarantee you’ll feel better with each unexpected yes you say.

If you are a frequent “no-er” comment below and let me know what’s made you into a frequent “no-er” or if you’ve stepped out and said yes lately!

x Amber Rose Leigh

A Level of Uncertainty

When ever anyone decides to take a leap and do something new there’s always a level of uncertainty. This uncertainty is something that has quite often ruled me during the decision-making process. Now whether it’s just something that happens outside of my anxiety or if it’s a part of my anxiety I’ll never know. However, I have decided to create this blog despite that level of uncertainty. Why? You may ask. Well, simply to try something new. I have a lot of things to say and a lot of things to experience and discover. Which is why this will be my outlet. No one may read it but someone could. Someone could read what I have to say and agree or disagree. They could relate to my experiences or they could not. Everything runs at a 50/50 chance. I will use this blog to write my thoughts on books, politics, the classes I’m attending, my cats, my home-sickness and my highs and lows of living with mental health.
Enjoy it or not, this is it.
Welcome to my new blog.

x Amber Rose