Day 4
Mood 5-3
Death is something we all experience in a variety of different ways. Today I experienced death in a loss. This lead my mind to trail off in an array of thoughts surrounding the topic. The person who passed away this morning was someone who through out my life reflected positive thoughts. In thinking of this images ran through my mind reflecting the summer visits where each time he would remember my favorite fruit, strawberrys. Strawberries through out my life have been connected to this memory. A positive connection to summer that I usually struggle with. Alongside loss during death always comes these memories and appreciation for people. However, another experience with death is quite the opposite. Throughout my life I’ve always been quite fascinated with death and have had many depressive episodes that lead me to be suicidal. These experiences and associations with the idea of death have a ever lasting effect on myself. There were times where death consumed my mind. Taking over many hours of thought. Through my anxiety and depression this came relatively frequently. I struggle to explain this relationship because I don’t quite know why. I don’t know why I had this fascination with the workings of death and at some points I had no clue in reality why I wanted to end my own life. Suicide for those who have those thoughts can be a very intimate thought process in it’s contemplation. In a way you don’t experience a sense of lose of losing anything. Nor do positive memories of yourself and your life. It’s quite the opposite to the experience of losing one to death. I feel a fascination with death is something people who have deep depressive episodes may have in common. I feel there’s more to it in my mind hidden somewhere. There’s a lot buried deep down. We all have our demons. It’s finding them that’s the problem.
Until tomorrow,
amberroseleigh
Some Kind Of Unique Freedom 